


Moving Forward

by kwallox



Series: Rumbelle Secret Santa [3]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 14:38:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13056012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kwallox/pseuds/kwallox
Summary: Belle and Rumple attempt to heal as they decide if their relationship should move forward, or if they should let goOriginally written for Rumbelle Secret Santa 2015 and posted on tumblr. Set in early season 5





	Moving Forward

Belle took the lead, leading Rumple into their… his house. He clutched onto her hand, clinging to her so tightly as if he scared she would disappear. Sometimes it felt like he was always scared she would disappear.

“Here” she said soothingly, placing him on the lounge as gently as possible. A sob caught in her throat and she forced it down, he looked so scared, so _vulnerable._ “Are you injured?”

“No, Belle” his voice hitched on her name as always, like it was the most precious thing in the world. It almost made her cry. Almost.

“Thank you” he continued. “Thank you so much Belle” his hand reached out for her. She pulled her arm away at the last minute. His face crumpled but she steeled herself against it. She hated herself for it, but she couldn’t allow him this, not right now. Not yet.

“I’ll just… Is there anything you need?” She asked, looking past him at the wall.

“No Belle, you’ve done enough” he whispered.

“Okay”.

Belle left the room, not being able to bottle in the emotion for a second longer. She knew it made her a coward and hypocrite, she had lectured Rumple enough times for not being able to allow himself to just _feel_. But she couldn’t do it. She leant against the wall, running a finger through her hair, allowing a few silent sobs to escape her.

It was almost easier when she was trying to convince herself that she hated him. She didn’t, of course she didn’t, but so much easier when he was away from this town. When she could tell herself that he didn’t love her, not in the way she wanted him to. Then she could tell herself she had made the right decision in banishing him.

She clutched her throat as the sobs threatened to overwhelm her. She closed her eyes as she counted her breaths, trying to get herself back under control. _One, two, three._ She breathed in and out, in and out, calming herself. When she opened her eyes, the tears stopped. She wiped the few remaining tears of her cheeks as she straightened up.

She had to do something. She knew that, as much as she would like to leave, bury her neck in the sand and not come out for days she knew she couldn’t. She was not a coward. She _would not_ be a coward.

After a bit of deliberation she walked back into the room where she had left him. He was sitting on the couch, fiddling with the ring on his finger. Her breathe caught to see him but she forced herself to keep moving. He looked up as she walked in.

“Here” she said grabbing one of the blankets from the cupboard. “Let’s make you a bit more comfortable”.

She held her breath as she wrapped the blanket around him. It was a wonder, even after everything that happened being this close to him once more, closer perhaps that’s she been since she ordered him to leave, it still caused her breath to hitch. It still affected her more than she would care to admit, even to herself.

“I’ll bring you something to eat later” she said when she had made sure he was comfortable enough.          

********

Belle tossed around in the bed, unable to sleep. She had insisted on staying in one of the many spare bed rooms in case he needed her during the night. She couldn’t sleep, not knowing that he was just in the other room, sleeping so close to her.

It was the early hours of the morning when she heard him. The scream ripped through the silence, shocking her. Her heart beat rose in fear before she realised where the scream was coming from. She jumped up, racing out of the room and down the hall.

He was lying in the bed; he had kicked the blankets off during his dream. His arms desperately flailed, as if trying to grab something just out of reach. Sweat and grief clouded his expression. She made to move towards him before she heard him speak, just one word, just one word to hold such emotion.        

“Baelfire…” he gasped. The name made her falter for a moment, rooting her to the spot. Her heart clenched for a moment in pain, her heart once again broke. For Rumple who had lost someone so precious, and for herself, who had barely known her step son but loved him all the same. For the boy who had so much to live her.

“Rumple” she whispered. Rumple snapped up as he heard her say his name. His eyes were glassy and he barely seemed to see her at all. He was at that halfway place between sleep and awake. Slowly his eyes began to clear and he saw her, standing just inside the doorway.

She hesitated before moving forward. He watched her but didn’t say a word as she came closer. She lay down on the bed and struggled to keep her breathe steady as she breathed his scent in. She didn’t pull the blankets over herself, couldn’t bring herself too. She didn’t touch him either, wanting to keep a little bit so distance, still unwilling to put her trust in him again.

She turned her body so she was facing him, laying her hands under her head as she struggled to keep her breathing under control. Her heart beat so fast she was afraid he would hear it beating against her chest. She forced herself to look up, to look into his eyes. He was staring at her as if he couldn’t believe she was real, that she was here beside him now.

“Tell me” she whispered.

“It’s different…” he paused, gathering his thoughts. “The nightmares, theres so many” his voice cracked as the words fell off his tongue.

“Rumple” she told herself to reach out, other him this comfort but her hand wouldn’t obey her thoughts.

“I can’t” Rumple said retreating into himself.

“Rumple… please” she said, finally reaching towards his face. He turned his head, her hand stopped.

“Please just stay” he begged.

“Of course” Belle whispered back, even as her heart shattered.   

********

Belle cleaned. She read that was a good stress relief, or at the very least it seemed to be a way some of her favourite characters in her adventure books seemed to deal with their perilous situations. It wasn’t working. She had vacuumed, mopped and dusted each and every room in Rumples massive house. Twice. But yet, she still felt anxious, still jumped every time she came across Rumple, still fidgeted with nervous agitation that he would walk into the room.

They hadn’t spoken since two nights before, since he had shut her out completely, except for the occasional pleasantries. She knew he wasn’t ready, wasn’t ready to talk about everything he had been through, but a part of her had hoped. She heard his screams since then but this time ignored them, lying in her bed hating herself for not going to him, knowing that he wasn’t ready.

She finally gave up, grunting in frustration as she struggled to place the vacuum back in the cupboard. Her cheeks were flushed from the activity of the day, her breathing ragged. Finally the frustration reached a boiling point.

“Why do you have to be so difficult? Can’t you just…” she trailed off, as she cramped the blasted thing in. It wasn’t stable but she huffed and shut the cupboard door no longer caring enough to fit it in nicely.

“Belle” he heard him say behind her, causing her to nearly jump out of her skin. She tried to get her breathing under control. This was a shock appearance. The may have lived in the same house for the last few days but she had always been constantly aware of his presence. Every time he walked through the door she was half expecting him. Today was different, for a second she forgot and in that second he had crept up on her.

“Rumple” she gasped after an awkward pause.

“It’s a good afternoon” he said, the words stumbling out of his mouth. She deflated slightly, just the same not-conversation.

“Yes it is” she said.

“I’m going up stairs, for a nap” he said even though they both knew he wouldn’t be sleeping.

“Okay” she said, not looking at him. He walked away, heading towards the stairs. Her mind spun, trying to think of something to say. Anything to say. She had to say something, do something.       

“I’m sorry” she blurted out. Rumple snapped around to look at her, confusion clear on his face. It took a moment for her to elaborate as she tried to steel herself against the emotion threatening to overwhelm her. When she spoke, she spoke clear. “I’m sorry our marriage was destroyed. I made mistakes too”.

“You didn’t do anything wrong Belle” Rumple said, almost before she’d even stopped talking. Somehow she knew he would say that, he could never accept that Belle could do anything wrong.

“But I did” she replied, her voice thick with emotion.

********

She couldn’t do it anymore. On the fifth day she knew that something had to change. She couldn’t remain in this house a moment longer, avoiding each other as they were, leaving the room should the other enter it. She had come to this house in case he needed her, but they hardly ever interacted. Today was the day they had to decide, either they would reconcile whatever kind of relationship they still had left, or she would leave. 

“It’s time we talked” she whispered.

Rumple looked up as he heard her speak. His faced show a number of emotions, confusion, doubt, fear. He looked so small, so vulnerable. But he had to give her something, anything. He didn’t have to tell her everything, she just couldn’t handle the silence anymore.

“Yes. We do” he said faltering slightly. Belle took a deep breath as she took a step further into the room.

She stood awkwardly, leaning back against the wall as she sat on the coach. There was a chilling silence, the only thing that could be heard was the clock on the wall.

“I didn’t mean to...” Rumple began before trailing off. “Everything, I did. I never, ever wanted to hurt you”.

“But you did” Belle said immediately, without thinking. Rumple closed his eyes and for a moment she feared that he would close off again.

“I’m so sorry” he said, looking at her imploringly. She nodded, she knew he regretted what he did, but that didn’t mean she was ready to forgive him.

The piercing silence continued. After near on a minute of nothing but the ticking of the clock she knew she couldn’t handle it anymore. They didn’t have to talk about this right now. She had to try a different approach.

“Your nightmare” she said watching him, looking for his reaction. “It was about Neal, about Baelfire.”    

“Baelfire…” he said the name softly, a prayer. “He was everything, everything I had for so long. I did so much to find him again and then he was just… Dead”.

He winced in pain. His face crumpled in grief for a moment before hardening into anger. His voice shook with the grief and anger, as the tears started streaming done his face. “And than, I was I had to see _her_ everyday, had to be controlled and abused by that…” he stopped less the emotion overwhelmed.

“Zelena” Belle whispered.

“She… It was. I can’t even explain it” he finally doubled over, a sob raking through his body. “The feeling of being controlled so absolutely. Of having your body, your _mind_ at the very control of another human being. I couldn’t… No decision I made was my own”.

Belle moved across the room as Rumple talked, grabbing his shoulders, and leaning his head against her. She held him as the tears rolled down his cheeks, the emotion overwhelming him to the point he could not continue speaking. She kept her own emotion in check, no matter how much she may have wanted to succumb she couldn’t.  

“I meant to give it to you Belle” Rumple said suddenly. “After I thought I killed Zelena, I was going to give you the dagger. But… I just couldn’t. The idea of allowing anyone, even you the power to… do that again”

And she had, she thought with a jolt. She had used that power over him. Twice, or at least she thought she had twice. It didn’t matter really, that the first time was simply a rouse kept up by Rumple. She had intended to use that dagger, exactly as Zelena had done. It made her sick to think about. She had tried to tell herself afterwards that it was the right thing. It was the only choice. Only now she wasn’t so sure.

“Rumple, I…” she choked on her words.

“Don’t Belle” Rumple said, running a hand across her face, wiping away the stray tears. “None of this is your fault”.

“But it is Rumple” Belle said, grabbing the hand still resting on her face. “I used that dagger on you, I did that. You did… You broke my heart Rumple. Over and over again and I don’t know if I can forgive that. But I do know that if we’re ever going to be able to...” she paused. If they were ever going to what? Repair their fractured relationship? Learn to trust one another? “If we’re ever going to… move forward, we have to face what went wrong, what _we_ did wrong.”

Rumple hesitated before nodding.

“There’s something else. Something that I need you to know…” Rumple said breathing steadily and her stomach flipped, expecting the worst. “The dagger, it wasn’t my greatest weakness because I loved the power more than you.”

Ripples of shock past through her. This wasn’t what she was expecting.

“I did love the power Belle. I wanted it so much, it was so addicting, so intoxicating” he said. “But it was more than that. What that dagger represented… The fact that while it still existed I could be controlled like that again…”

Belle gasped as she finally understood. The dagger, Merlins hat, the power. It made sense so much more sense now. He wasn’t just trying to rule the world, or gain all that power. He was trying to be free of the influence.

“Rumple” she whispered. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this.”

“I didn’t think that you would understand” he said. Suddenly white hot anger coursed through. Didn’t think she would understand? After everything? He had broken her heart a million times over and why? Because he couldn’t trust her.

“You didn’t think I would understand? You could have at least trusted me enough to try. We could’ve found a way, helped you without having to hurt anyone.”

“I didn’t…” he stumbled over his words. “I thought this was the only way.”

She laughed almost manically. Tears welled in her eyes, in pain, grief and anger. She dug her nails into her palms as she turned away from him. She couldn’t stand to look at his face. She breathed deeply once more, practicing the self-help techniques she learnt from her books. She closed her eyes and counted her breaths, realistically she knew that outbursts of anger would get them nowhere.   

She calmed down slightly. She was still angry, she still hasn’t forgiven him yet but getting frustrated and shouting wasn’t going to help either of them. She looked over at him, he looked so small so afraid that despite herself, it broke her heart. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gotten angry.”

Rumple nodded and relaxed into the chair. The awkward silence returned and she stood up not being able to bare it.

“I’m leaving tonight” she began. He snapped around to look at her, fear clouding his face as she continued. “Or I’m staying. I can leave right now and not look back. Or we can try to work through it. That’s up to both of us to decide.”

Rumple looked at her in the eye, so much unspoken words passing through their eyes. In order to make this work they both had to be committed to it. They had to be willing to communicate with each other, to do everything in their power to forgive each and learn to trust each other again. If not than… No matter how much it hurt, it was over.

After what felt like hours but was likely only minutes, Belle sighed. The decisions clear to both of them. After an eternity she finally moved forward and sat back down.        

*********

Belle slept beside him that night. Like they hadn’t done since the first night, since the nightmares ripped through him violently. But this, this felt entirely different. They lay facing each other, staring at each other neither speaking.

The blankets draped over them both, the silence was comforting rather than piercing. She felt a peace about her that she hadn’t felt in a very long time. With a jolt she realised she had never felt this calm, this sense of comfort since the day he returned from Neverland. That one perfect day in the face of such darkness, such heartbreak.

She pondered if it was all worth it. If this feeling, this wondrous, exhilarating feeling is worth so much of the bad. She knew almost instantly it was. No matter what lay ahead of them now, she knew that she had to find out. She reached out, her fingers touching his. Rumple looked at them in shock for an instant before looking back at her. She smiled then, in such a way that she hasn’t for a very long time. He quickly matched her smiling as he only ever did for her.

It wasn’t much, her fingers barely grazed his. But she knew it was everything. They still had so much to rebuild, she knew that. So much trust that needed to be re-established. She didn’t even know if it was possible. But she knew that they willing to try.   


End file.
